Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael