what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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A game married people play.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.