My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Thank heavens for community notes
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
