My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right