Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.