My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.