Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

*seductively corrects your posture*

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?