My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
😂🤣😂🤣
