My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
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the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Real bees work best
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
termite twitter scares me
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan