My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
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At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I have never heard an armadillo before.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.