My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.