My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Any refunds available?…
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
please don’t argue with me because the only difference between me & a psych ward patient is i’m at home
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.