My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR