Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.