My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
These are my roll models.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Unimpressed
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.