My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
#parenting
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing