Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.