My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters