My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me checking my bank balance online.