Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

What personal space?

My dog

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

The prophecy is fulfilled

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*