My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy