Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Clients after you give them your rates

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.