My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store