My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Good morning, Twitter 😊
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why