Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This seems like peak sibling energy

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Not with that attitude

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?