My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
January has been Januweary
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
