Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

🗽

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP