My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
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People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.