My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
you can only post this today
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave