Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson