Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?