@HomeProbably

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@moxieblogger

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

@dafloydsta

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

@longwall26

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

@TheHyyyype

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

@thatUPSdude

Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.

@Book_Krazy

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

@GingerHotDish

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.