My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
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Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
lmao
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The asteroid..
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package