I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.
Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.