My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

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I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever


My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.


[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.


“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee


HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!


DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!


Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.


Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick


I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.


M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.