My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.