My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.