My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Meow
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home