My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
![]()
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
![]()
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”