@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

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@TheMichaelRock

Her: is he trained?

Wife: of course!

Me[from the couch] QUIT TRYING TO SELL ME ON CRAIGSLIST

@NicestHippo

“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?

@wolfpupy

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

@Skoogeth

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

@jazzemu_

[inside washing machine]

duvet cover: climb in my brothers

every single piece of clothing: we shall build a new life in the big sock

@Daniel_Sloss

If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn’t Find A Condom). I hope it catches on…

@AmishPornStar1

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

@Tuna_Lover

I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.

@VerbsRProudest

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

@IamEveryDayPpl

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”