My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
What personal space?
My dog
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”