My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
🖕🏻👽
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Family Celebrity
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I am having an out of money experience.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
i’m gonna allow it
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.