My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
U talkin 2 me?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…