My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part