My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?