My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
This is my emotional support knife.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
You’ll be OK
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Harsh but fair
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me