My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
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“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.