My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Love this one 😂🧟
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Free him
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no