My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.