Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”