Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

i want enemies

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

can’t talk my ride’s here

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.