Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Jupiter

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

ㅤ

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.