My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Weirdly Wednesday.
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.