My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
You Might Also Like
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
he’ll never suspect a thing
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..