Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner