My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
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I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
uh oh
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.