Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

Meow

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Wednesday

Social distancing in Australia:

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

only 11 steps left

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.