My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
People buying plungers never look happy.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?