My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.