My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what