My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Dietest Coke
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do