My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
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my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming