My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
A male goth is called a broth.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”