Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Okay this one takes it home

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.