My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
New favorite tiktok
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it