My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
The cycle continues
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
HOW DARE YOU
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Saturday
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.