@LinajkReturns
Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.
@Senor_LongDong
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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@LinajkReturns
@mc_funbags
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
@ericsshadow
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
@3sunzzz
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
@mousefountain
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
@ItsAndyRyan
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
@mdob11
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
@stewteee
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
@unravelingfire
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
@noneofyours99
*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*
Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers
“You look fine now”