@Senor_LongDong

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

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@LinajkReturns

Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.

@mc_funbags

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

@3sunzzz

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

@mousefountain

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

@ItsAndyRyan

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

@mdob11

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

@stewteee

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

@unravelingfire

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

@noneofyours99

*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”