Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Remember folks 😂

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash