Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

This is my emotional support knife.

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Stop.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”