@junejuly12

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

You Might Also Like

@MumInBits

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

@christinaloca

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

@J0hnnyBlaze

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

@KyleDodsonFunny

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

@jonnysun

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

@thestlouisan

I told you to act natural while I paint. Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table?

– DaVinci

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.

@1evilidiot

Of course it’s you. if it was me I wouldn’t even bring it up.

@sumpeoplelikeit

The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.