My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

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The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head


Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.


How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now


GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”


*sees a fly*
*trying to swat fly*
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the


I told you to act natural while I paint. Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table?

– DaVinci


I don’t mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.


Of course it’s you. if it was me I wouldn’t even bring it up.


The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.