My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.