Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.