Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.