Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that