Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

you know what ruined my childhood? children

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut