Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Everyone’s family

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

drew a comic about my origin story

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.