Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich