Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”