Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

All right then, keep your secrets

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.