Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby