Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

same bro

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

even bears disappoint their mothers

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes