Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run