My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
The struggle is real
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
You deplete me